Pain of Love
by MissMoonlightdancer
Summary: That just came to my mind when I re-read the third and fourth volume. I thought about it how Hotsuma and Shuseo would talk about that incident, well, here s my idea


**That´s my first fanfic for Uraboku, hope you like it, please enjoy^^**

**Disclaimer: I don´t own Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru  
**

* * *

The normal life of youths is quite simple; they go to school, they do homework, they sometimes already have a student job, they learn for exams, if they have free time they spent it with their friends or in front of the TV or computer. Normally you can´t say those lives really have a _meaning_. The youths simply live on, without really thinking about it. For them only future is important, nothing else or sometimes not even that.

Youth sometimes think, they can somehow _choose_ the ones they love. From one moment to another it can change to someone else. And if they break up they simply choose a new one. Mostly there´s not even really sympathy behind it. It´s more the wish for having fun and because they like to be in a relationship, never mind with whom.

Youth normally don´t realize if they hurt others. Only if they themselves are getting hurt, they cry and scream about it as if the world´s going to break down. But usually they don´t really _know_ what hurting each other really means. If you think clearly about it, actually you can only get hurt by someone whose words and actions are important to you. You wish that this person smiles at you; you wish that this person is kind towards you and you wish that this person doesn´t think badly about you. Only this person, who is so important to you, can hurt you. A few words spoken from this person can shatter your world into pieces.

Now imagine you´re also just a youth with the problems of a normal youth; school, exams, parents. Your life doesn´t have a real direction, you just live on because that´s how life is. You have friends, sure, you have fun with them, but whenever you turn around, they´ve already forgotten your face. No one wants to know what´s underneath your surface. They only see your outside, the mask you´re wearing so no one sees your true self, so on one sees your weak points.

That´s how youths are living. Always wearing a mask, hurting each other and having fun, without ever thinking about a way to escape it all. They simply live on. That´s what they call _life._ And that´s what I call loneliness.

No one cares what´s underneath your mask but actually you _want_ them to ask. Then you´d be assured that they do care about you, that they want to know who you really are. But no one wants to know.

Wait. No one? Really? I believe there _is_ someone. Someone who knows what´s underneath the surface. Someone who knows your weak points, your fears, your likes. Maybe even someone who _loves_ you. Someone who knows how to make you smile and who knows how to hurt you, because in the past he already did that, never mind if he did it on purpose or not.

But you don´t mind the pain, because as long as that person is by your side, you at least _can_ smile. With that person you can laugh and cry. With that person, you don´t simply live on, because with that person, your life has a sense. Just because of that person you´re still _alive_. Even so you, too, hurt each other sometimes. You hurt each other not because you want to, it´s just the way life goes. And it´s also a proof that your lives are intertwined, that your lives are connected with each other. That _you two_ are connected with each other. Otherwise, you couldn´t cause that one person pain and he couldn´t cause you pain.

That kind of connection of hurting the other one and being hurt and to be able to hurt someone or to get hurt is called love.

...

"Hey, Hotsuma. Are you still playing video games?" a voice behind Renjou Hotsuma asked. Hotsuma lazily turned around, looking at his best friend, Usui Shusei. Shusei still carried a towel around his neck; his hair was still moist from the shower.

"Yeah. And finally you´re finish taking a shower. It´s boring to wait all alone"

"You could´ve gone downstairs in the living room where the others are" Hotsuma pulled a face.

"It´s no fun if there´s someone missing, especially you"

Shusei rolled his eyes but inside he was happy about those words, absent-mindedly spoken by Hotsuma. He sat down on the bed next to Hotsuma and leaned back into the pillows, while his friend continued playing.

"Hotsuma…?"

"Yes?"

"How long has it been since the first time we met? I mean how many times have we already lived in this battle between Reiga and Giou Clan? How did we live in that kind of life?"

It took a moment until Hotsuma opened his mouth to form an answer "I honestly don´t know. Years. Ages. Centuries. I don´t know. Maybe half an eternity"

"And you were always by my side, right?"

"S-sure! Why are you asking that?" Hotsuma put down his Nintendo and looked intensely at his partner.

"But there was one time…" Shusei didn´t finish the sentence, but the sad sound still hung in the air around them.

"W-what are trying to say?" Hotsuma asked slightly nervous and also pissed, because he didn´t know what Shusei was talking about.

"…That time back then… when I wanted to die…in the battle against that Duras Ashurei or something like that…"

"Ah…"

Unhappy Hotsuma remembered how he and Yuki had gone to find Shusei. Back then, Shusei had been tortured by that Duras, so long until his heartbeat simply stopped. Ok, Shusei had stopped his heartbeat more or less because of his own wish, but still, only Hotsuma´s ability, the "Voice of Gods" had brought him back to life.

"I still feel sorry because I just gave up back then" Shusei said quietly.

"N-no, you don´t have to apologize…"

"But what would you have done, if I hadn´t woken up again? If I really had died back then?"

"I…don´t know… I guess I had gone crazy….And burn up everyone and everything there" Hotsuma didn´t want to think about it anymore but right in that moment he saw that scenario again, how everything was burning and searing to ash while Shusei stood there at the wall, tied up with twines of thorns, bleeding out of countless wounds while there was that calm expression in his face…the expression of death….

"God damn, this conversation is depressing" Hotsuma shouted and kicked against the blanket.

"…Sorry…I came up with that theme"

"No, don´t apologize. It´s ok"

"But…Can I ask you one more question?"

"…Sure"

"How…did you feel when you realized that I was….dead?"

This time, it took a lot longer until Hotsuma answered. His voice was low and held such sadness that Shusei almost regretted that he asked.

"I w-…In the first moment, I was incredible angry. My heart screamed in rage, I wanted to run over to you, punching your damn face until you would wake up. But then I felt such a pain rushing into my heart… I can´t really describe it but I felt like you just abandoned me, like you didn´t want me by your side anymore, like you didn´t need me anymore.

It was selfish what I thought back then. I thought "Why is he leaving me right now, in this situation, where I need his help to fight? Why does he leave me all by myself? I need him so badly so why does he throw me away like I never meant more to you than the dust on your shoes?" I just couldn´t stop thinking that.

I screamed like hell, I screamed your name over and over, but you wouldn´t wake up. I kept repeating your name over and over and over again but you didn´t wake up. I asked myself why wouldn´t you wake up, were you too far way to hear me, although in the past you had always heard me. And then I realized that you were going to a place I couldn´t follow you anymore. You went away, far away, so far away you wouldn´t hear me screaming anymore and where I couldn´t bring you back, from where you wouldn´t ever come back to me again. In that very moment…. I realized that my life had no sense anymore.

Something inside was breaking, I could feel it and I couldn´t even breathe anymore. But there was no Shusei who would be by my side, who would cheer me up, who would take my hand so I would stand up again. You were tied up with that twines of thorns, making a face like you were sleeping and leaving me behind, escaping that life of yours, that life full of sorrow, leaving me behind all alone in that sorrow we always used to share…just for the sake of resting peacefully and never coming back to me…. In that moment… I really hated you"

When Hotsuma finished, he didn´t notice the single tear which was falling down his cheek. He himself was still too surprised and too shocked over his own words. But then he noticed the expression in Shusei´s face. It was full of sadness, self-hatred and wrath.

"Shusei…" "…So that´s how you felt…Damn, Right now I´m feeling like I´m about to cut my wrists to really leave everything behind, including you"

"B-but why!" Hotsuma asked upset.

"Because I made you feel such feelings. I´m the one whose fault it is that you felt like being betrayed back then. I couldn´t ever forgive myself, if I was the reason why you´d turn your back towards this world. You deserve it more than anyone else to live a life with a smile. And I wanted to live life together with you and with a smile, because you have the ability to make the people around you feel _alive._ Always when I´m with you I feel like I am truly needed, I needed you and used you to feel alive but back then, when _you_ needed _me_, I decided to give up, I decided to leave all the pain in this world for the sake to go to another place where I could be happy, even without you. Do you understand, Hotsuma? I´m despicable. You deserve a better partner than me and I don´t want to ever be the reason for your tears again, so I´d rather leave you then causing you any more pain".

Hotsuma felt how his heart shattered into pieces again. He grabbed his best friend by the shoulders "What the hell are you talking? Have you gone mad? Why-why?"

"I´m just a burden for you, Hotsuma. I hurt you more than I can make you smile"

"Don´t say that! Listen to me, it´s only natural that I was sad because of that incident. I was sad and yes, I was angry, too. But that was just normal. I thought you had died and I never could´ve said "Goodbye" to you. I even couldn't have told you what you really mean to me! Shusei, you´re the most important person to me. Only with you, my life has a reason. And now you want to take that reason, that one reason to live, away from me? Since when did you become that selfish? I thought we´d share all our sadness and fears and sorrow, and now you want me to carry it all alone because you think you´d be a burden to me, too? When I´m the most important one to you, too, than stand up and tell me that you take everything back what you just said!"

Shusei turned away, looking nowhere, but didn´t answered. Hotsuma slowly let go of his friend´s shoulders and leaned back.

"You know what" Hotsuma said with a trembling voice, "When I burned up that boy who bullied my little brother, I wanted to kill myself. All of my friends turned their backs to me, no one wanted me anymore, I felt their hatred and fear although I just wanted to help my brother back then. Even my own brother was afraid of me, like my parents. I felt so incredible lonely… And I wanted to put an end to everything because I thought I´d break down under that weight. But then you came and I could breathe again. You came and I saw the sun again. You chased that heavy mist out of my mind and gave me the feeling to be alive again. You got that scars from me and even so they won´t ever vanish and show that _I_ was the one who hurt you so much, you´re still right beside me. _You_ didn´t want _me _to leave you, right? And now, _I_ don't want _you_ to leave. Back then, you told me I should go on living with my guilt, but I should grow stronger so I´d pay back the people I loved and who I hurt. And now, I´m telling you the same thing, Shusei. If you really feel guilty then stay by my side you wanted to leave, stay by my side and grow stronger as well".

A long time there was nothing but silence in that room, where the two boys were sitting on the same bed, while the sunset slowly colored the white walls in their room to light red and orange. But suddenly, a sad voice asked "If that´s what you´re thinking, then what kind of sick relationship do we really have? We´re only alive because we hurt each other so much. That´s insane. Think about it, Hotsuma. Is that really that kind of relationship we should have? One standing on guilt and pain? Is that really what we´re now living in?"

"….You forgot something, Shusei. We only got hurt because we care for each other, right? If you wouldn´t have cared about me, you would´ve never got that scars, you would´ve never got that feeling that I´d leave you. Same here, if I wouldn´t have cared about you, I never would´ve followed you to that hall where you were captured and tortured by that Duras. But I went there and saw your corpse standing at that wall. I was hurt like you were hurt. But we paid it all back, right? I feel guilty whenever I see your scars and you feel guilty whenever I remember that scenario. So now we´re equal, right?"

"…But there´s also still pain in your face, whenever you look at those scars".

Hotsuma sighed. A heavy sigh, full of anxiety. "I can´t help it, Shusei. But I can live with that pain" Finally Shusei turned around to him again.

"As I said, I don´t want to be the reason for your tears, Hotsuma"

"I know, but caring for each other is a good reason for tears, right? You care for me and therefore you want to leave me. But I´d be even sadder if you really would leave me behind. So don´t leave, because even though your scars pain me, you yourself can make me smile. So I tell you: Please don´t go away, Shusei"

Again there was a long silence in their room. First, when the sun completely disappeared behind the horizon, Shusei spoke again

"Then tell me, Hotsuma, what kind of connection we have, if everything, that binds us together, is pain?"

"Don´t you listen to me? Well, there_ is_ pain, but there´s also happiness and caring for each other. Because of you, I lost all interest in future. What really is important to me is the now, every moment I can spend together with you. What comes next year or in hundred years has no meaning to me. I want to live _now_ and I can only _live_ when you´re beside me. This is called love, Shusei. Believe me, that reason is enough to stay here by my side"

And finally, there was a small smile on Shusei´s handsome face. Hotsuma smiled relieved, too. "So you believe me?"

"….I guess so. Such an inflaming speech could no one resist, right?"

Hotsuma laughed"Finally, you´re like always, Shusei"

They chuckled a bit, but suddenly, Hotsuma said something what had lain on his heart for quite a time now. He leaned his forehand against Shusei´s shoulder and closed his eyes. "Uhm…Shusei, could you promise me something?"

"Sure"

"If one of us really dies, in an accident or in a battle or in something else… If that happens, that one of us dies, then the other one will follow immediately, ok? Before sorrow drives the one who was left crazy…let´s leave together. Could you promise me that?" Shusei hesitated only for a moment, but then Hotsuma felt a hand in his own hair and a warm breath on his neck

"I promise, Hotsuma"

Long into the night, they sat there, lying in the arms of each other, drowning in the warmth and that absolute _love_ which only existed between the two of them. That love, which pained them more than anything else but what they wouldn´t ever let go because it was the only thing they achieved by living their sorrowful lives together.

The End

* * *

**BTW: Hotsuma really is playing Nindendo you can clearly see it in chp. 37^^ **

**So, I hope you liked it, even so it´s a bit depressing. Please Review^^**


End file.
